you and me, an unfulfilled illusion
meant to collide but never meant to be
they say that when you know, you know; that you’ll just feel it deep in your soul. but what if what your heart and brain has come to know are two contradicting realities?
what then?
how are you supposed to reconcile such polarising feelings?
and what am i supposed to do when i still find myself getting sucked into it? once more questioning and wondering just why and how? still trying to dissect what’s true and what simply was just a facade put on by you?
i need to know — were we both maimed by the twin flame or was it all just a sick twisted game constructed by you?
when i’m randomly struck by an aching feeling in my chest, could it be that that is what you are feeling too? and when i see you in my dreams, do you happen to dream about me too? do you think our souls are perhaps linked on a cosmic level?
or was everything just a play plucked from your playbook? an elaborate trick to reel me back in and keep me hooked?
and i know it makes no sense, just how deeply something so short and insignificant could have impacted me and changed the trajectory of my heart, but i won’t lie, nothing has ever come quite as close. and i’m afraid that i may never love anyone else the way i did with them, so naively, so intensely, so devastatingly.
and because of that, i’m still holding out, not for reconcilation, but hope for some resolution — be it in the form of a complete dissolution or an honest conversation.
but i know that i’m waiting for an apology that will never come.
for you’d have to first recognise and acknowlege all of your mistakes and to then reflect and realise just why and how what you did is wrong, and then be brave enough to take accountability for it.
and we’ve been through this cycle enough times that i now know that you’d always much prefer running away to a brand new state, starting fresh on a blank new slate, and finding an unknown body to fill the space than to ever own up to any of your mistakes.
after all, you do love to leave things and people in the lurch. what you hate though is to burn it all up.
and that’s where we differ. i want it all to burn. i need it all to disintegrate to ashes.
ask all of my other dates and exes and they’ll all tell you the same. i tie up all my loose ends, and i tie ‘em up tightly.
and yet, yours is the only one that keeps on unravelling regardless of how hard i try to keep it tied. ironic really, since you were the one who tied the knot.
it’s terribly heartbreaking and disheartenting is what it is.
to love someone and yet be made aware of the fact that they can never love you properly and the way you need them to. to see so much potential of what could be and yet have to come to terms that it never will be, for some people and things will never be able to grow or change, not in the ways you’d like them to.
i think perhaps, i’ve missed you more than i’ve ever loved or known you and that itself became something so much larger than life.
to cope, i’ve turned it all into this mystical folklore, a shakespearan tragedy about two star-crossed lovers, a tale about twin flames who are meant to meet but never meant to be.
but truth is, it never really was that deep is it? how could it ever be when you never could dive in deeper with me? you say you feel me, but it seems you never truly knew me, nor did you ever wanted to.
and i know i should just leave it be but i still can’t help but wonder what went down within that period — just what you truly thinking and feeling when you did what you did. though i guess what you eventually ended up doing matters most right?
still, aren’t i entitled to this anger? i think i am. scratch that, i know i am. i was lied to too. even up until the very end, you don’t respect me or your partner enough to be honest and true.
and i just hate that you were the one who put me, us, in this situation, though i guess in your mind, it is all fine and dandy, as long as you don’t get caught. who would have thought that i would have found it all out huh?
do you still feel lost in your head now? or is that just something you said as a feeble attempt to subdue my rage?
frankly, i couldn’t care less about climbing into your bed, but what if i still wish to get into your head? do you still have unspoken words that you wish you had said before it loses all of its edge and all of its meaning?
am i wrong for wanting to disarm you still? am i a sinner for wanting to dissect and devour you still? am i unsalvageable for wanting to see if i can still send your heart into disarray? am i a lost cause for still being so caught up in the trenches of us?
what do you call it when someone’s insisting on something to be fact when the current reality doesn’t reflect it to be true? delusion, intuition or escapism?
and which of those terms do you think would apply to me and you?
write me 365 letters you’ll never send, then turn it all into a song and dance that will never end. let’s play make believe and just pretend that this could have ever ended any differently than it did.
for i know, and maybe you did too, that we are both too hurt by each other to ever be able to be together. though i do wonder if you’ve ever ached for me, half as much as all of the ache that you’ve caused me.
maybe we never were star-crossed, and we simply were just incompatible.
i say all this, but still, i feel a soft spot in my heart that is still holding onto that fantasy of us and what could be. is it all a trauma bond, an unhealthy attachment or is all this push and pull and back and forth just what twin flames do?
if you still feel some unexplainable pull, then i guess we’ll have the answer. and if you don’t, then well, it is what it is.
the time will pass anyway.
at the end of the day, regardless of how we might feel, there will be people and things whom we’ll have to let go of because the pain and hurt and sadness has permeated through every single thing and you can never see them or be around them without that ache taking over and consuming you.
and i don’t know if we can ever truly forgive each other for all of the various ways we couldn’t show up and be there for each other. plus, we trigger so much of each other’s wounds, always a mirror and a portal. i see parts of me in you, and you in me.
so i recognise this as the divine lesson that it is and i wish to always tackle it, to find ways to learn and grow from it. you, on the other hand, scoff at my attempts to change, to learn and to grow. you always opt to step down and runaway instead of stepping up to it and actually owning it.
maybe in time, things will change, though i doubt it. you’ve already found a path you’re set on and you’ve long settled anyway.
your goal in life after all, is to simply have fun and accumlate as many material posessions as possible and to score all the traditional milestones, to go with what you’re told, to flow with the mainstream.
while my goal in life is to try to change the world for the better, to find ways to leave a good impression on this earth with my presence, to use my voice and my words to make others feel less alone.
like every other story goes, you jumped the gun while i stared down the barrel of it and took the time to heal on my own, to learn just what it all means.
i guess in that way, we couldn’t be any more different. and even if we were truly two halves of the same flame, i’m sure we have now both choosen different paths, evolved and grown into two completely different souls.
we’re just two souls embarking on different trains of life. and for a moment there, our tracks were parallel to each others and we got to lock eyes for a moment. but that’s just it. we’re still going in completely opposite directions. before we know it, we’re speeding away, further and further apart, eventually passing each other by.
and now, we’re nothing more than strangers.
still, i do hope that one day, all the things you’ve buried and ran from will soon catch up to you and you will finally feel all of the things i’ve felt.
but for now, all i have is a dream or two of you apologising.
though it’s been a while since i’ve dreamt about you, and i don’t mind it.