what if it's always going to be philly?
if it's not meant to be then why can't i help but dream about it still?
i always knew that i’d one day return, not for your sake, but mine.
it’s a missed connection that i think about often — all of its people who once showered me with affection, and yet, i was so overwhelmed by it back then, so caught up in you and your affliction that i lost myself in you and only you, unable to see just how much warmth and generosity surrounded me.
while i wasn’t used to it then, this new found sense of magnetism that’s bestowed onto me, this time round, i’m prepared.
i am now a flower in bloom, ready to enchant and be enchanted.
how do you say goodbye to the city that still tugs at your heartstrings?
it’s been four long miserable days since i’ve left philly and while i’m now physically 6,514 km away from the place that mesmerised me; my mind, heart and soul have yet to fully accept that and catch up with it.
anxious and sleepless nights plague me, my body still jet-lagged and hell-bent on keeping up with the east coast timing, stubbornly refusing to acclimate to its new environment.
and when i finally do manage to fall asleep untimely in the morning, scenes of me in philly fill up my dreamscape, haunting me still — so vivid and lifelike that i wake up extremely disoriented, unsure of just where i am and what day it is.
i try my best to get back to my “real life” here in berlin, going on walks, catching up with folks here, sometimes engaging in small talk, but there’s this ever-present ache in my chest that seems to be telling me that i’m running out of time, that i’m supposed to be somewhere else instead, that i should be living out a different life in an alternate timeline.
how do you explain this feeling of grief and longing to those who have never had to grapple with this?
(me on the benjamin franklin bridge, with the philly skyline as the backdrop, circa august 2022)
and of course, with this new found revelation comes the unraveling of old emotions i thought i have long addressed and gotten over.
you used to say that philly’s a tough city to fall in love with, but can now say, on my own accord that i fully disagree.
sure, it was overwhelming at first, but the circumstances were different then. i was still so bright eyed and naive and dependent on you, believing that somehow you could save me; but now, on my own, i see and experience the city in a brand new light.
and because of that, it hurts to have to come to terms with the fact that i actually do love this city and i could have made a home out of it.
but well, it’s too late now, isn’t it?
knowing everything that i know now, it feels like a thousand stabs to the heart to think about the possible life that i had given up, and it all feels like a sick joke almost; to know that i could feel all of this fond attachment and emotions towards philly, something that evaded me previously when i first stepped foot into the city three years ago.
why was it that i didn’t or couldn’t feel this way back then? why was it that it felt so hard and so lonely and so daunting previously?
was it because i’ve yet to fully grow into my own or did it stem from me feeling so emotionally neglected and stifled and alone when i was with you?
would it have made any difference had our paths only crossed now and i got to see this side of philly and you got to experience this side of me instead? would it have made any difference to the way we collided? would our souls ever merge in the way that i wanted and needed them to?
and i know, i know, i’m just still so caught up in all the should have beens and this grand impossible dream that you sold me, but fuck, i’m sure anyone else in my shoes would too.
i don’t know how long it’ll take for me to fully get over it (if ever), but for now, i’m still grieving and still trying to fully heal from it.
(that was our place, i found it first. bok bar, circa august 2022.)
i guess in some ways, i wanted to prove to myself that this city was for me, even if you weren’t in it anymore. to try to reclaim this whole experience and this whole city so it does not remain an untouchable sore spot in my heart.
after all, philly has popped up on my radar way before you and in some inexplicable cosmic ways, i’ve always had an affinity with the city — be it with its music scene or its people (philadelphians and those who moved over).
because of that, i knew i had to give it another shot, to see for myself whether or not this inkling of mine was just something i made up or if there is something truly there for me to explore.
and i’m so glad to have finally done it; for what had seemed so grand and chaotic and so out of my reach, now seemed so small and so fitting — and i’ve never felt so seen and so in my scene.
everyone’s into the same kind of niche hobbies, music, films, subcultures as i am and everyone’s my kind of eccentric and artsy. and for once, i feel like i fit in perfectly instead of having to overexplain myself or water myself down to become more palatable to others.
which is why it pains my heart so greatly to have to simply just move on from it and pretend like i don’t wish i was still there. because i do.
more than ever, i wish to be able to explore just what it’d be like to be a part of this city and its community.
(me at washington square park / rittenhouse square, summer 2025)
i have to admit, there are moments in this trip where i’d suddenly get seized by this heavy anxious feeling, and i’d catch myself wondering if i’m overdoing it trying to appease this old heart of mine.
i’ve come to recognise that the feeling is the same sinking pit in my chest, the same old familiar loneliness and feelings of abandonment that i so often felt when i was with you.
what am i doing exactly? why am i here? am i even wanted here? i started to spiral but was pulled out of it with familiar faces and warm friendly gestures and a kind invitation.
it all feels so easy and so genuine and that in itself solidified in me the fondness that i feel for philly and its people, and this is why they warn you not to fall in love with cities that you’re simply travelling to, for you it will only break your heart when you leave.
and damn, is my heart aching tremendously.
i’ve come to find that my heart, mind and soul all resides in different cities, all of which are oceans and miles apart, and i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to reconcile them and feel complete ever again.
it’s like i left pieces of myself behind in each of those places and i feel so incomplete without either of them.
i want them all, i need them all for various reasons, i can’t just choose one, and yet it seems like i can’t quite choose more than one either, so what now? do i supress and stifle these feelings the way that everyone else does? turn it all into a daydream i just indulge in? be in an eternal state of yearning? but how do i know if i want the real thing? how do i know if the alternative is something that i can commit to for life? and why do i have to sacrifice one for the other? why can’t i have both?
i feel so torn.
am i holding onto a fantasy of what could be or am i reaching for something that my heart could possibly want?
sure, i love the people and the culture there but still find it realistically limiting in certain ways, what do i do then? and i know i can thrive there in terms of art, music, culture but can i truly see myself living there long term?
how do i know if i’m simply trying to hold on to something that no longer exists or if whatever it is that i’m feeling right now is an indication of something much more profound?
i don’t know.
all that i know now is that this city has left a long lasting impression on both my heart and my soul, and i have to go back again soon.
someday, one day.
songs for yet another bittersweet june (will summer always be tainted by the shades of blue left behind by you?)
i guess only time will tell.
I don't stand a chance
Against the glow of answers
Lighting up your face across the pillow landscape
The list of things
I feel is crazy
News to me that I would need a second wake up
It's all been happening
Like they said it might
Am I weak if I want to fight?
What makes our love so hard to be?
Is it you? Or is that you with me?
For just the possibility
I'd have given anything
We play along, we sell
But only so much we can tell ourselves
Is it you? Or is it that you with me?
You with me
You with me
Pull like magnets
Cloud of static
The air between is punishing, but nothing happens
Scared to say it
Even to yourself
Am I weak if I want to help?
What makes our love so hard to be?
Is it you? Or is that you with me?
For just the possibility
I'd have given anything
We play along, we sell
But only so much we can tell ourselves
Is it you? Or is it that you with me?
You with me
You with me
Wrong I'm certain
And it's sad to think of
Expecting different outcomes with a better question
Fear and comfort
Are both one the same
Am I weak if I want to wait?
What makes our love so hard to be?
Is it you? Or is that you with me?
For just the possibility
I'd have given anything
We play along, we sell
But only so much we can tell ourselves
Is it you? Or is it that you with me?
You with me
You with me
We play along, we sell
But only so much we can tell ourselves
Is it you? Or is it that you with me?
You with me
You with me
Is it you? Or is it that you with me?
You with me
You with me
Gotta keep going Gotta keep searching
And my minds hurting And my babes hurting
And I keep sewing all the lines open
Gotta keep hoping that you’ll see something
And it’s so baby How I went crazy
Had to leave home and You didn’t save me
But I still miss you And I wanna kiss you
And I wanna show you That I’m not crazy
And I’m not crazy
I just keep hoping Yeah it’s so crazy
And the hole’s growing
And I need baby But he’s not showing On my mouth daily
Am I so crazy Is this so crazy?
Will you come back and will you just hold me?
Will you just know me?
Will you just know me?
When I come searching for you my baby
For you my baby
For you my baby
A little bit uncertain
I wasn't really sure
I walked out in silence
I shut that door
Didn't know what to tell you
I didn't know how
I wanted to know you
But you never came around
Can you feel it?
Did you get my note?
Do you see me?
I'm in the undertow
Let go of my hand
It'll only start a fire
You'd rather be here than be
Anywhere
She comes as she pleases
Doesn't think about it twice
Walks with her demons
Through a dark paradise
Spoonful of sugar
Could make it alright
I wanna be better, better, better, better, better
Can you feel it?
Did I lose control?
No more reason
Have I ridden up the wall
Hold on to my hand
I wanna start a fire
I want you to take me out anywhere
What's left to do
When my head's in the clouds
Haven't quite figured that out yet
What's left of me?
What's left of me now?
Guess I'll just fall asleep into your arms
Can you feel me?
Can you feel my heart pound?
Does it matter?
I know I want you around
Triple seven
We float into the sky
Now we can both be out anywhere
Hey
Guess I should've known
I'd end up alone, and in time
All of this will fade
We wanted it
It must mean something
This time with you and me
Remember
Gold light
Feels right
Home
Sweet home
What it means to me
If you hold me close
Would you feel anything
Would it make you cold
And if I float over you would you see right through
Come on, don't leave me, it can't be that easy, babe (It's not right)
If you believe me, I guess I'll get on a plane (Make you mine)
Fly to your city excited to see your face (Take our time)
Hold me, console me and then I'll leave without a trace
I'd kinda like it if you'd call me (It's not right)
'Cause I'm so over bein' lonely (Make you mine)
I need a virtual connection (Take our time)
Be my video obsession
I wanted to stay, wanted to be there
Wanted to hold you, but I, I was afraid
Wanted to be there, I should've told you
You got me all nervous
You gotta get down
So far from the surface
You gotta get down
So listen up
Here's the story
Everything you are's in overdrive
And I
I'm not like that
Everyone we loved is older now
And I
I made it out this time
You got me in circles
You gotta get down
There's shores and there's oceans
All around
So listen up
Here's the story
Everything you are's in overdrive
And I
I'm not like that
Everyone we loved is older now
And I
I made it out this time
Again
I'm pullin' on the thread
And the way you were
Is almost like a sickness
And I can't lie again, again
Got me all nervous
You gotta get down
You tried to kiss me, while parked in the street
Went and leaned, across the console that you never cleaned, in between
You knocked your coffee, all over my jeans
And it seemed so funny at the time
But now I see it, a whole other way, like, "Okay"
Seems there was always some shit in the way, every day
Is it December? 'Cause you're such a flake
Always say, "Whatever, nevermind"
Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh
Thought we were both in the deep end
Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh
But you're only in town for the weekend
So nevermind
Nevermind
You blow my mind
But nevermind
I had a feeling, I had it for weeks, underneath
I saw the signs but I forgot how to read, suddenly
It was September and you left with the leaves
Said we'd be forever, nevermind
Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh
Stare at the fan on the ceiling (ceiling)
Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh
I got the dizziest feeling
But nevermind
Nevermind
You blow my mind
But nevermind
Nevermind
You blow my mind
But nevermind