to be loved is to be known and you never truly knew me
on getting manic pixie dream girl-ed and being seen as a collector's prize rather than an actual person
to be loved is to be known. i know that for certain now.
but if that’s the case, then i’m heartbroken to say that i don’t think i’ve ever truly been loved properly before.
talk to any of my exes and you’d realise that none of them truly know me. they only ever remember how i made them feel and how being with me is like, but you’ll never hear any of them speak about my interests, my dreams, my mind or my soul.
and now i can’t help but wonder if men could ever see you as anything more than just an object of their desire.
take my most recent ex for instance.
he was so good at building up this larger than life fantasy of how things were going to be like when we’re together, but when it finally came down to it, i found myself feeling so disappointed and let down by how drastically different things are when we’re finally together in person.
he couldn’t open up or hold any deep conversations, he refused to ever talk about anything in his past and he couldn’t be emotionally vulnerable or intimate. it was like being in a relationship with someone behind a brick wall. i’d try and try to chip away at it, to find a way to be able to peer into his soul, and was instead met with annoyance.
maybe in the past it has worked for him and nobody ever questioned it or needed him to fully break down those walls, but me, i need closeness. i need that intimacy and emotional connection that can only come from vulnerability and sincerity.
and it’s so frustrating because he knew from the very start that that’s just how i am like as a person. i am intense, passionate and emotional. hell, it is even part of my whole branding.
so if he knew from the start that he could never ever meet me at my level, then why pretend?
why not go for someone else more basic and more in his reach? why go through with all of that charades to get me only to mistreat me and fumble me so fucking badly?
i just can’t seem to wrap my head around all of it. clearly, since i’m still writing about it in a bid to gain more clarity and insight about this same situation.
see, i was promised a passionate, loving, deep soul connection and i was met with a boy who is emotionally stunted, has never done any self-reflection or introspection and doesn’t know how to be alone. a serial liar, a serial monogamist (which is ironic since every relationship overlaps with another so i guess a serial cheater too), and a bunch of other stuff that i don’t really have the capacity in me to go into right now. i was just lucky he wasn’t a serial killer right?
and the more honest i am with myself about everything that he did, said, and has since said (lied) and done, the more angry and used i feel.
because of that, one part of me is still in disbelief — how could i ever have fallen for someone like that?
turns out he is like every other shitty mediocre men out there.
he never once saw me as a person, nor did he ever see his exes or even his now partner, i’m sure. we are all simply there to fulfill a pre-existing role in his life. it didn’t matter who it was, as long as there’s someone.
he never wanted to know me for me, he just wanted a girlfriend, a wife, someone to play house with and fit into a slot into his life.
someone who would be happy to tag along with him and go out with him to do thing that he wants to do, to talk about things that he wants to talk about, to go to places he frequents, to only talk to people he likes, to go along with his wants and needs, all at his pace and his comfort level.
it is always only ever about him.
and i tried so hard. i tried so hard to get him to open up, to actually be vulnerable with me, to actually have a deep authentic bond where we both get to know each other, unravel each other’s soul and he was never able to give me that. that real genuine closeness. honesty. vulnerability. intimacy. that heart to heart soul type connection that he promised.
he is so disconnected and unevolved as a person, which makes sense now just why he struggled so much to connect with me emotionally. it was like he liked me more when i just sat around looking pretty and not requiring anything from his end.
(which in that case, he might as well just buy a fucking anime doll and put that in his house cause clearly, he just wants a non-sentient pretty object and not an actually real relationship with a person.)
at the end of the day, for men like him, it was never about two souls coming together to form a deep bond and grow and learn and heal and build a home together.
no. the goal is simply to settle down as quickly as possible, to find someone subservient and decent enough who can easily fit into the role of being a “good” wife, a “good” mother, a “good” housemaker.
that’s it. i kid you not.
turns out i was right, i was nothing more than just a trophy to collect or a toy to play with, yet another conquest he could brag to his friends about and parade me around other men for approval.
frankly, even now, i don’t think he ever saw me as anything more than his very own “manic pixie dream girl”, someone who only exists for him to feel good about his shortcomings and feed into his god complex while teaching him how to have basic empathy and low-level self-reflection while always creating and mantaining a safe space for him to spill and be vulnerable (however rarely).
to be honest, i’ve been manic pixie dream girl-ed so many times by romantic partners that i’m used to it at this point and i’m okay with that. but only if they can actually keep up with me.
i need them to be able to actually grow alongside me, be willing to take accountabilty, learn from their mistakes, put in the work and effort to actually change and be a better person.
to always be able to evolve with me and to have a strong innate desire to want to do this, even on their own.
and of course, to actually be obsessed with wanting to get to know me and devour everything about me and my thoughts. to be curious about me, my soul, my being. make me feel known, seen, loved.
be my enigmatic wayward fever dream (lmao).
but the problem was that i was nothing more than just that to him.
i loved him with all of my heart and i was putting my all into getting to know him, truly know all of him. and he never took the time and effort to truly get to know me. he was never interested in actually knowing me as a person — he never asked about my dreams, my achievements, my thoughts, my past, my feelings.
if anything, he seemed iritated even, whenever anyone else was curious about me. and yet would be strangely smug whenever someone would notice me when i’m hand in hand with him, almost as if he’s boasting “yeah i got her, be jealous, i won.”
which i guess in hindsight, made sense, since he wasn’t interested in getting to know me, he was only ever interested in having me.
i was simply there to fulfill his needs. to make him like it is okay for him to be the way that he is, that it is everyone else’s fault and not his and that he is simply “misunderstood”.
but after all of the chances that i gave him, i’ll say this: that’s not true at all.
he hasn’t even taken any time to actually take accountability for his actions or even apologise for the way he treated me. heck, he couldn’t even be honest with me about everything.
i’m sure he hasn’t changed. he simply found someone who’d require less of him. someone who wouldn’t need him to put in the work to actually become a better person instead of just presenting himself as one.
and i guess that’s one of the most disappointing and heartwrenching part of it all — me having to come to terms that i gave up so much of myself for someone who turned out to be just like every other shitty man out there.
and i wasted so much time still trying to defend him, for still thinking that i could perhaps change him, for still having that soft spot for him. for still being unable to admit to myself that his poor treatment of me is clearly an indication that he never once loved me or respected me, not at all.
regardless, i knew deep down that i simply couldn't stay.
for staying would mean settling and settling would mean compromising - on my values, my morals, my dreams.
which is why i left then.
and each and every time we reconnected, i would once again be sucked back in, lured in by your potential, only to be let down by your lack of growth, honesty and accountability. and i’m forced to leave it all behind again.
you resented me for needing you to grow, l resented you for not being the person you promised you were. i needed someone with more curiosity, with more capacity to change and evolve with me. and you needed someone who would never ask questions, who would never need more from you.
truth is, i was nothing more than just a collector’s prize to you. you loved showing me off in public, only to neglect me in private. you never once knew me nor were you ever interested to.
and so you’ve quickly found another to fill in that hole in your life, all to avoid feeling the void, to finally confront all of your inner shadows and do all of that inner work.
well so be it.
i'm now waking up to the fact that you never once deserved me and i always deserved more than you.
but i think you always knew that, which is why you did what you did.
i guess in the end, you reap what you sow.
truth is, i would have forgiven you had you been honest and taken accountability, perhaps even given me a heartfelt apology, but i know that’s something you will never be willing or able to give me. fuck me then, i fell for your potential and all of your fantastical proclamations, but i know now they were never once true.
You painted your nails, just to look like a rockstar
You sing in a band and your voice is like nails on a chalkboard
But you're something to die for
You call all the shots, and then you get me to buy them
Those video games that you play are extremely violent
But you know I don't mind it
I'll be up all night, oh
I'll be up all night
Night
I'm a little bit tired, boy
Get a little bit higher, boy
'Cause you don't give a shit
And it works so perfect for you
I wish I was more like you
I wish I was more like you
We're always at your place
Even though it's a pigsty
But so is your life and your mind
But I told you that I'd die
For you again and again
And I'll be up all night
Oh, you keep me up all night
I'm a little bit tired, boy
Get a little bit higher, boy
'Cause you don't give a shit
And it works so perfect for you
I wish I was more like you
And the way your mouth changes shape
When you've had one more 1664
Than you said you were gonna have
But it loses its charm when you can't get hard
I'm a little bit tired, boy
Get a little bit higher, boy
'Cause you don't give a shit
And it works so perfect for you
I wish I was more like you
I wish I was more like you
I feel this so much, especially the slotting into his life part - it hurts so bad to realize you are nothing more than an means to an end
Lovely piece, made me reflect on how to be a better partner. Keep writing!