the muse vs the safe choice
on what your heart yearns for versus what you settle for
i’ve been all over the place lately — stumbling and unravelling, unable to stay still and focused on whatever it is that i’m supposed to be doing.
ever since i came back from the states, i found myself unable to fully let go and settle into my life back here, still holding onto the potential of a life elsewhere, someplace where, although the grass ain’t greener, everyone you encounter is so much sweeter and friendlier, a place where life truly feels like an indie esoteric romance movie and you’re the star of the show.
which is exactly why it felt so hard for me to simply get back to my life here in berlin, though i guess it’s just been over a week since i left, so by my standards, this isn’t too bad and i’m right on track.
either way, this past week had me wondering just what various paths i could take and what exactly it is that i wish to achieve out of life, especially since i know i do not want nor wish to subscribe to the traditional cookie cutter life and milestones of wanting kids, wanting to be a stay-home mom and wife, wanting to climb the corporate ladder or wanting to own luxury goods or cars or whatever hyper-capitalistic and superficial materialistic gibberish.
more than anything else, i’ve realised what i wish to achieve (in this life, at least) is to simply be happy, loved, fulfilled, celebrated and embraced fully. to be able to share my writings and have it reach the right souls who’ll resonate with it, to be able to meet more like minded souls and cultivate more genuine deep connections all over the world, to feel safe enough to simply be all that i am and explore all that i am. to heal, learn and grow.
to make the most out of life by treating it as my own personal garden, in which i get to choose which herbs to grow and which trees to plant. which experiences i wish to collect, which skills i wish to nurture, what kind of relationships i wish to cultivate.
it is, after all, my life, and so i get to write the story and outline the upcoming chapters.
it might sound a little self-indulgent or even outwardly egoistic, but i truly believe i’m put on this earth to heal and to grow, and in return, be able to show others how they can do the same too. to live a life so authentic and true that i inspire others to do the same.
well, at least that’s what a handful of folks from the internet have expressed to me and it truly warms my heart to hear that.
mostly because i’ve been through so much trauma and abuse in the home that i grew up in and also in past relationships that i was in, that in some ways, it felt like, well, at least now i can say that some good came out of it and i didn’t suffer for nothing, yknow?
(needless to say, none of us deserve to be hurt or harmed by the ones we love and trust, but well, this is life, so unfortunately, that’s the reality for some of us.)
still, it feels comforting to know that all of that pain that i endured wasn’t just for nothing, that i survived and now i’m able to turn it into a good thing.
the credit’s all mine of course. i was the one who put in all of the work, confronted all of the complex feelings, nursed myself back to life, spent time alone just focused on healing and growing, and well, now here i am.
which leads me back to the question at hand, which is: what is it that i’m truly seeking for in life?
because if i’m simply being emotional and following my heart alone, i’d pick philly simply because it’s the city that i can see myself blooming in terms of genuine connections with like-minded souls and more romantic interactions and opportunity as well as the art and music scene (which is my exact taste).
but if i were to approach everything from level-headed point of view, i know that berlin is the more stable and smarter choice for me right now, as someone who’s a poc from singapore living abroad, especially as a self-made freelancer with no college degree.
in my ideal world, i’d be able to get all of my favourite human beings all here in berlin, because truly, i can’t even begin to express just how much i adore the people in philly.
never ever have i stepped foot into a city and be showered with so much kindness, generosity and reverence. the way the city shone a spotlight on me have helped nurtured my self-worth and boosted my self-image in a way that i never could have imagined, re-wiring my brain for the better.
i’ve never felt quite as beautiful and adored and embraced anywhere else as i have in philly, and that’s something that will always stick with me for as long as i live. i felt so alive and so much more comfortable and confident in my own skin, which is a feeling that i don’t get that often, and one that i terribly miss.
but i guess, just like in life, there are certain cities that can only stay your lover, your muse, your “could have been”, due to missed connections, a misalignment of fate or other myraid of reasons.
and then there are other cities that you know is the smart choice, the one you should settle down with, the one that’s good enough to make it work.
and well, you know how it is and how it goes. you settle, in one way or the other.
regardless, i still have faith that i’ll find my way back. call it an inner-knowing if you will.
for now, i’m daydreaming about my muse, keeping her close to my heart and i’m looking forward to the next time i’m back in their arms again.
a little mixtape to capture the feeling that i’ve felt when i was back in the city of my heart: