the mixtape of my heart
always sincere, from me to you. yet another thing devalued by you.
the ancient scholars of the sky state that scorpio full moons are perfect for releasing. it’s emotional, it’s intense and it forces you to look within and feel it all so you can let it all go. or at the very least, try to.
so here i am, pouring my heart out while the moon looks on at me fondly from my bedroom window, so bright and radiant. i stop for a moment to gaze at the moon in its peak fullness, fully taking her in and it feels as if she’s consoling me.
telling me that everything will be alright, that sometimes, you simply have to let it go, especially when they don’t wish to stay.
for the longest time, it always felt like we’d communicate in the form of music, sending each other songs we’d like, bands we both listen to, lyrics that we’re fond of.
it was something about us that i’d always felt connected us in an intimate way.
after all, we used to stay up all night just listening to music in your living room, all basked in the purple glow of your television.
and so, when you started speaking to me in the form of playlists, i’ll have to admit, it soothed the sore spot that you left in my heart, and i can’t help but view it as a romantic gesture of sorts. something made with love, a purposeful action that actually meant something.
so imagine my shock when you brushed it all of as “a joke”, revealing that it was never that deep, and just like that, all of the playlists you’ve curated for me and just me now all feels like some cheap trick, some dirty scheme to play with my heart, devoid of any sincerity or genuine feelings.
my heart broke.
of course, nothing’s ever that deep to you.
you say you can’t even remember all of the playlists exactly, so i’ll make it easy for you:
in another lifetime
i hope we always find our way back to each other
i wish i met you in my childhood, so i’d be a better person by now
my heart keeps
love letter
heaven/ how i remember you
interlinked
there’s a last time for everything
i could have the sun in my pocket and i’d still yearn for the moon
there is still time, i’ll find you again in another lifetime
… and there’s more but yeah, you get the gist.
i can’t help but find myself wondering if perhaps you’re just downplaying the significance of it because you’re embarrassed of it, not wanting to come off as vulnerable and a yearning lovesick soul, but then i remind myself that this is your final confession.
and so i’ll simply take your word on it and remind myself that it will never mean half as much to you as it does me.
you’d then later retract that statement, saying that you shouldn’t have called it just a joke, that you actually do put thought into it, though still mantaining that you’re just being in your feels, being needy and wanting attention.
that you don’t actually mean any of it to the fullest extent. that i shouldn’t have taken it so seriously. that it was just something that you wanted to indulge in because it made you feel like a character in a romantic indie film.
which pretty much sums up the entirety our relationship as well as solidifying us as two very distinctively different human beings.
even up till the very end, it seems honesty and sincerity still evades you.
you regarded this all as some fictional thing, as some romantic fantasy to escape in when you’re bored of your real life, but see, z, this is my real life.
i was doing it sincerely from the bottom my heart, engaging in it because that’s how i truly felt and wanted to do, and i meant it all. it was all sincere from my end, and you, you made it seem like it’s this ostentatious thing, that it’s something people only do “just for the plot”.
because i guess that’s all that it is to you. the playlists, me, our relationship. i was nothing more than just a fantasy for you to escape in. a chance for you to finally experience what it’s like to be the lead of an indie romance film, and that’s just it.
you never once saw me or us as the real thing.
which made sense why when i was finally right next to you and with you, you were so callous, so closed off and so distant, it’s like you couldn’t fathom that i was a real living breathing person who’s complex and has feelings and would require care and attention and affection as well as understanding.
all you wanted was to be the lead in my romantic story, but you didn’t want to put in the work and effort to actually be my partner, to actually be there for me and love me.
and you didn’t want to truly get to know me or connect with me for you always preferred keeping me as just a fantasy, a concept, a daydream. not a real girl who you see and love and know and wish to be with, to grow with.
no, i will never be anything more than something you’ll always dream of.
and i don’t know if i should feel honoured, devalued, angry or just heartbroken. maybe all four and so much more.
for i held it all so close to my heart and i poured all of my heart into it, only for me to find out that it’s nothing to you.
that no matter what i do, and no matter what you do, there’s always going to be this element of superficiality and nonchalance from your end, while i’d always approach it with all of my heart and soul.
so well, there you go, yet another mixtape of my heart — untouched, unappreciated and uncherished by you.
You painted your nails, just to look like a rockstar
You sing in a band and your voice is like nails on a chalkboard
But you're something to die for
You call all the shots, and then you get me to buy them
Those video games that you play are extremely violent
But you know I don't mind it
I'll be up all night, oh
I'll be up all night
I'm a little bit tired, boy
Get a little bit higher, boy
'Cause you don't give a shit
And it works so perfect for you
I wish I was more like you
I wish I was more like you
We're always at your place
Even though it's a pigsty
But so is your life and your mind
But I told you that I'd die
For you again and again
And I'll be up all night
Oh, you keep me up all night
I'm a little bit tired, boy
Get a little bit higher, boy
'Cause you don't give a shit
And it works so perfect for you
I wish I was more like you
And the way your mouth changes shape
When you've had one more 1664
Then you said you were gonna have
But it loses its charm when you can't get hard
I'm a little bit tired, boy
Get a little bit higher, boy
'Cause you don't give a shit
And it works so perfect for you
I wish I was more like you
Maybe I
Lost my mind
No one noticed
No one noticed
It's getting old (I'd kinda like it if you'd call me)
All alone ('cause I'm so over bein' lonely)
May have lost it (I need a virtual connection)
I have lost it (be my video obsession)
No one tried
To read my eyes
No one but you
Wish it weren't true
Maybe I (I'd kinda like it if you'd call me)
It's not right ('cause I'm so over being lonely)
Make you mine (I need a virtual connection)
Take our time (be my video obsession)
Come on, don't leave me it can't be that easy, babe
If you believe me I guess I'll get on a plane
Fly to your city excited to see your face
Hold me, console me and then I'll leave without a trace
El frío, la noche
Siempre me acuerdo de ti
Miles de canciones
Siempre me acuerdo de ti
¿Por qué estoy lejos de ti?
No te olvides de mi
¿Por qué estoy lejos de ti?
No te olvides de mi
Tus ojos tan tristes
Siempre me acuerdo de ti
Momentos felices
Siempre me acuerdo de ti
¿Por qué estoy lejos de ti?
No te olvides de mi
¿Por qué estoy lejos de ti?
No te olvides de mi
¿Por qué te sigo queriendo?
Ya no puedo más
Entre tus manos me estoy muriendo
¿Por qué yo sigo cantando
"No me queda más"
Entre mis labios a todo llanto?
Dormía en tu pecho
Siempre me acuerdo de ti
¿Por qué estás lejos de mi?
Yo no me olvido de ti
¿Por qué estás lejos de mi?
Nunca me olvido de ti
Street lights reflected on our faces
We're sitting on the bus
Don't care about consequences
The ride is long
I want it forever
The night is long
I want you more than ever
you want to love me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to hate me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to tell me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to stun me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to see me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to hear me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to nail me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to feel me but you don’t know what you’re doing
I guess that’s why it works
you want to hit me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to hold me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to leave me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to lose me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to miss me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to push me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to help me but you don’t know what you’re doing
you want to hurt me but you don’t know what you’re doing