retrograde's discordant remedy
do i haunt you still in your memories? does it haunt you still?
i feel haunted.
i don’t know what it is or why that is. all i know is that it all feels so strangely familiar and yet foreign, like nothing’s truly real and i’m not really here, or that perhaps i’ve been here a million times before and i have nothing left in me to go on anymore.
am i still stuck in it or am i just bored? it’s the same old story of you and me, picking away at old wounds hoping to feel something again instead of this dreaded sinking feeling.
is it just the cold that’s making me feel this way or is it my intuition’s way of telling me that something’s actually happening? is it just me or is everyone else simply more predisposed to this feeling of restlessness, confusion, anxiety and melancholy; thanks to whatever is happening in regards to the planets in the skies right now?
maybe i’m simply feeling the finality of it all, knowing that by spring this year, everything will change. that i have less than six weeks left to still lose myself in all of these past memories, to mourn it all, and then let it all go.
to fully come to terms that whatever it was, whatever idea i had of you, whatever fantasy i had of you becoming better, of your redemption and your resurrection, of you actually being a good person, they were simply all wishful thinking from my end.
that you simply don’t care enough (about me and in general) to ever acknowledge or fix the mess that you’ve made and left me to deal with on my own.
you never could be who i dreamt you to be, although, ironically enough, that’s all on you, not me, for that very person was of your creation, not mine. i guess in the end, he was just a facade you threw on to lure me in, which makes perfect sense just why you found it so impossible to open up and let me in after.
was any of it real? i still don’t know for sure.
i never could figure you out. what were you even thinking? what are you even feeling? i needed something raw, real, honest, sincere and you punished me for needing that by always withdrawing and stonewalling.
but i know i’m not asking for too much, for i get it all of the time in all of my relationships with the people closest to me, be it old or new. it comes to us so naturally, it’s hard to ever imagine not having heart to heart talks that bring us closer and deepen our connection.
see the thing is, i’m not one to force it if it simply just isn’t mean to be.
what frustrates me so much and makes me so confused is just how contradicting you are: if you still had feelings for me, then why would you do the things that you did? if you do miss me and think of me and love me, then how is it that you’re not doing everything in your power to make sure that you give me clarity so i can finally make sense of everything and know just where your heart is and has been?
it’s really not that hard, which is why i can’t help but feel like you never truly loved me or even held me in high regard because you couldn’t even be honest with me for once. it seems i have no choice but to come to terms with the high likelihood that you just wanted to know that you can get me and that you have me. that i was nothing more than just an accessory to you.
i hate that i still can’t get you out of my head.
i’m stuck on you like a riddle that i just can’t solve, with clues that just don’t add up or make any sense at all, and i’m losing my mind trying to wrap my head around it all.
what and who exactly are you? how much of what you said and do is even true and how much of it were all just lies?
and if i’ve already given you so many chances to just come forward and tell me the truth and be real for once, and you still not willing to do so, then that must mean it all meant nothing to you right?
frankly, i’m starting to bore myself with this.
i’ve been writing about the same thing so many times that the words just doesn’t come together quite as poetically as it used to. maybe because there’s finally nothing new for me to take away from this.
i think i’m trying way too hard, doing way too much to still protect and hold onto the love that i have for you still, instead of just seeing things for what they really are. seeing you for who you really are.
the fact is that i was lied to by you, led on by you and i fell for it. i kept trying to read between the lines and ascribing secondary deeper meaning to the things that you do, refusing to believe that you did what you did with no regards for me because you simply don’t care.
but the harsh reality of it all was that i never was in your heart or on your mind. that’s just that.
so why does it still feel like your heart could very well still skip a beat when you hear someone mention my name? am i the one to blame for not fully being able to just let this die when you too are still keeping your eye on it, subtly ensuring that the flame keeps burning, even after all the countless times i told you to just put it all out and let it all die?
will you think i’m out of it if i were to say that sometimes it feels like i must have known you in a past life before? that when i first saw you, something in me just knew? was i the only one who felt that inexplicable pull?
at the very least, i wish you’d just let me know if any of it was even real.
before i have to let it all go, i want to know if it haunts you still. i want to know if i haunt you still.
do i haunt you still in your memories? do i reappear in your bad dreams? when you think of me, is it fondly? or do i haunt you still? do i haunt you still? when you dream, am i there beside you lingering like a sad reminder? if time doesn't heal and only makes us older will i always be a devil on your shoulder?