new york city, revisited
an east coast summer (part two), three years later
a six hour red-eye flight, a brief airtrain ride and a 45 minutes bus journey later — i find myself right smack in the middle of brooklyn, new york.
as i alight the bus and set foot on the streets, a wave of relief falls all over me. the air feels different. i feel different.
the strawberry full moon hangs brightly and proudly in the night sky, almost as if she’s welcoming me back with glee, letting me know that she has been rooting for me this whole time, telling me that this is how things were meant to play out and this is where i’m meant to be.
finally, after three long years of me *yearning*, me trying my best to stifle this longing and water down these feelings; i’m now able to just let myself acknowledge this strong innate pining that i’ve kept (mostly) hidden in the secret chambers of my heart.
so here i am, back in the east coast, three long years later. complete with brand new characters, chapters and an older much more self-assured me.
everything feels so different and yet still so familiar, somewhat akin to stepping foot into an old home you haven’t been in since you first left eons ago.
it’s not the same as before, but maybe that’s not a bad thing after all.
this summer, i feel myself blossoming. and what once housed a dead lawn, now springs new flowers at the break of dawn.
i’m ready for a new beginning.
summer used to feel like a fever dream but now, i no longer stay up all night intoxicated with another and i no longer revel in make-believes.
and sure, i’ll admit, there are moments in time where i still find myself wondering if anything would have played out differently had it been you and me and us together here right now, but i know deep down that it’s simply wishful thinking.
a fever dream, a whirlwind, an unreliable thing — i wanted the real thing and you just couldn’t give me it.
this time round, my main goal is to simply have a fun-filled movie-esque american summer. to let myself know that i do indeed have it in me to make it on my own. to right some past wrongs and reclaim the cities of my hearts and make it known that they’re rightfully mine all along. to put myself out there more and see for myself just how adored and appreciated i am instead of spending so much time cooped up in my head or drowning in my sorrows in bed.
i promised myself i’ll make it back someday, and well, consider it a promise kept.
songs from my east coast-dwelling and swelling heart:
I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me
But in order to
You would have to love me like I love you
And I don't think you do
No I don't think you do
Cause you were always on your own coast
Yeah you were always in your own timezone
I was so New York
You were so LA
Maybe that’s why it never worked baby
I was so sleepless
Overcast always
You don’t know the meaning of a cloudy day
Yeah I was so New York
And you were so LA
I gotta admit it, I was distant
I was distant too
I quietly drifted to a different Ocean Avenue
A world away from you
Yeah I was always on my own coast
Yeah I was always in my own timezone
I was so New York
You were so LA
Somewhere I can visit but I just can’t stay
You’ll be on sunset
I’ll be on the subway
Wishing that the angels would have looked my way
Wishing every stranger didn’t have your face
Cause I was so New York
And you were so LA
You made my heart beat faster
You were my nervous laughter
You were my ever after
Back in the day
I wanted you forever
You wanted warmer weather
I know it suits you better
There anyway
I'm standing by the sign
Ohio, I get dizzier when I'm outside
One hundred on the line
These nights are getting busier by my design
Take a picture
A minute with her
Should we call it a night?
Alright
A broken front plate
Happy birthday
Show your cards, roll the dice
I'm running to you, right?
I'm running to you, right?
I'm gunning for you
Never been bad, but I'll try
I'm putting up a fight
I'm fucking up my life
I'm running to you, right?
Alright, alright
Your silly little cues
I never got Ohio, babe, but now I do
And I'm stuck in 22
I'm hanging out forever
Summer's a tattoo
With you
Heard a whisper
"He wants to kiss her"
And I wanna know what it's like
It's like
An empty bottle
And now, my mouths full
Ohio, you have me tonight
I'm running to you, right?
I'm running to you, right?
I'm gunning for you
Never been bad, but I'll try
I'm putting up a fight
I'm fucking up my life
I'm running to you, right?
Alright, alright
And never again will I run from life / And never again shall I run from love
I fixed myself for you
I swallowed SSRI need you
Things were such a mess
But when you ironed
My prairie dress
Oh you don't know what that meant
As the bombs fell on the house
You took me from the bedroom
To the couch
Inside I'm blue
But I'll watch the news with you
Cause that's the normal thing to do
Oh oh
I'm braiding my hair
You're drinking a beer
Car chase on the TV
Leave me here
Dinner's in the oven
Oh it's gonna take more
Than nuclear war
To tear me away
From you
From you
The screens I stare at say
If I stare too long then it rots my brain away
Catch me 22
My happiness is so taboo
But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
I'm braiding my hair
You're drinking a beer
Car chase on the TV
Leave me here
Dinner's is in the oven
Oh it's gonna take more
Than my mind at war
To tear me away
From you
From you
Well if you can't find me then
My head is in the oven (oh my head, oh my head, oh my head)
My head is in the oven (oh my head, oh my head, oh my head)
You got me all nervous
You gotta get down
So far from the surface
You gotta get down
So listen up
Here's the story
Everything you are's in overdrive
And I
I'm not like that
Everyone we loved is older now
And I
I made it out this time
You got me in circles
You gotta get down
There's shores and there's oceans
All around
So listen up
Here's the story
Everything you are's in overdrive
And I
I'm not like that
Everyone we loved is older now
And I
I made it out this time
Again
I'm pullin' on the thread
And the way you were
Is almost like a sickness
And I can't lie again, again
Blinded by the fog
Hoping lessons will be born
Rippled puddles with your tongue
Taste the rubble in your wrong
The static calms
Your imaginary storms
It’s the sound the water forms
It’s the sound the water forms
Goes like
(Aaaah)
I feel the modern age
Decomposing in my veins
And it's chipping with the paint
Revealing the masquerade
The palisade
Of our skin begins to fade
Ripping down the wall I made
Ripping down the wall I made
Goes like
I don’t wanna wait up for your better days
I just wanna wakе up for the melodies
I don’t wanna wait up for your bеtter days
I just wanna wake up for the melodies