i still remember it then, my 23rd birthday, me checking my phone every so often, waiting for your text to light up my screen just so i could talk to you — the one thing i was looking forward to the most that entire day.
there i was, showered with presents and compliments and yet all i could wish for is your presence.
and so i left my party early, feeling a little tipsy, drunk calling you while nursing a cigarette, flushed from the alcohol and from hearing your voice. somewhat reminiscent to that exhilarating feeling of an infatuated girl sneaking her very first beer with her very first crush.
i should have known then, you not being fully present and also rushing to end the call, that something’s up, but i guess i wasn’t that attuned to notice such things yet.
my friends though, seem to have clocked it, voicing their concerns, but me, still young, naive and hopeful, would brush it all off, still too intoxicated (in love) to see things for what it is.
to see you for what you are.
and then i turned twenty-four. twenty-five. twenty-six. and just like that, i’m twenty-seven.
of course, you never were there at any of my birthday parties. which tracks, because the truth is that you were barely ever truly there, both for me and in my life. you’d pop in and out, as and when you’d like, disrupting any and all of the progress i’ve made when it comes to healing and truly moving on from you. though i guess you could say the same about me.
but the main difference between me and you is that i still remember and i still think about it all. about you. about all the thing that you swore were true. your intentions, your feelings, your devotion.
yet none of it ever was. all of which is indisputable now.
for each time you’d promise to come around, you’d only leave me feeling stranded, once again alone and let down.
the most frustrating part of it all is that it wasn’t like i didn’t enjoy or had iconic movie-esque moments. in fact, i had plenty of those — sneaking away from a party to share a secret kiss in the dark, playing hide and seek in museums to makeout in secret corners, slow dancing in the living room as the party slowly dies out, staying up all night with our very own private party for two till 2 in the afternoon, a boy or two flying over continents just to come see me.
and yet, i’d always wish that it would have been you with me instead.
i guess that’s simply how it is when it comes to short-lived intense (read: unhealthy, oftentimes, turbulent) romances right?
we’re so caught up in the unfulfilled potential of just what could have been that it’s so easy for us to overlook all of the glaring red flags. to still romanticise the connection and view it through rose-tinted glasses.
to still hope that one day, they will come through.
thing is, it’s the hope that keeps you hooked.
for just last summer, you were still RSVP-ing yes to my invitation and proposing for us to meet again once more, dangling the idea of our very own romantic “before sunset” moment. two lovers finding their way back to each other and reuniting (your words, not mine.)
that is, just weeks before i found out about everything. and when i finally did, it all came crashing down and i’d come to a newfound revelation as to just why i’ve always had this uneasy feeling that something’s just not quite right.
and there we have it, what was supposed to be the third act where the protagonists conquer it all and find their way back to each other, now ends with the girl dropping her champagne glass in pure shock and sprinting away in tears, exiting the shot while it pans to the boy in all smiles, clinking glasses with someone else.
you were never ever going to come through or come be with me, because you’ve got another party to be at, where you’re the host and vows will be exchanged and so will rings.
you would have thought that would have been the end, and yet somehow, one way or another, a communication of sorts would manifest in the form of yet another compilation of songs (playlists. plural. from him to her.)
an apology? a confession? a last act of dedication? who knows.
in hindsight, i probably should have known better, but i truly thought that perhaps we could that one last talk, that one last slow dance to close it all up, one final scene that will act as a proper farewell for both of us before we’re never seen together on screen ever again.
but of course, even though you said you would, as usual, you never did show up in the end — emotionally, physically or fully.
i guess it comes as no surprise that i never truly knew you at all. though there’s one thing i know now for sure: you’re as much of a coward as you are a liar.
at least the party’s over.
the final mixtape, that moment of realisation, the last time I’ll ever let myself be let down by you again.
songs to accompany this read:
One thousand pink balloons
Dj with your favorite tunes
Birthday cake in August
But you were born nineteenth of June
Champagne pourin' in your mouth
Called your friends from out of town
Got the party bag with the purple pills
And I'm waiting for you by the window, yeah
Called your digits, but the phone kept ringin'
Wish I knew what you were thinking
Na-na, na, one thousand pink balloons
Dancin' on to your favorite tunes
Hope you walk in the party
'Cause I threw the party just for you, like oh
I only threw this party for you
Only threw this party for you, for you, for you
I was hopin' you would come through
I was hopin' you would come through, it's true, it's true
Only threw this party for you
I only threw this party for you, for you, for you
I'm about to party on you
Watch me, watch me party on you, yeah
You could watch me pull up on your body
Like it's summer, take my clothes off in the water
Splash around and get you blessed like holy water
I don't know what you were waiting for
You know that I've been waiting for you
(I only threw this party for you)
Yeah, if you saw my tears, would you touch me?
Kiss me on the mouth, say you love me?
Leave a message, tell me you're sorry?
Hit me right back, hit me right back
Why you treating me like someone that you never loved?
I only threw this party for you
Only threw this party for you, for you, for you
I was hopin' you would come through
I was hopin' you would come through, it's true, it's true
(party on you / party on, you / part of you knew.)
Why's my heart pounding, beating out of my chest?
Remember to try and forget
I'm locked, she's the key
I'm a boat that's sinking, guess who's the sea
It's hard to shake it off and get back to me
When anything is a memory
And you repeat to the Nth degree
And now I'm back in my truck, I'm driving up to our place
We're sitting dead on the ground, there's nothing more to be said
You kept it tight to the chest at someone else's expense
That doesn't sound like real love
Oh God, I wish I could delete ya
'Cause nothin' can compete with ya
I replenish and repeat ya
I'd replenish and repeat ya
I wanna know (Just two weeks, how'd you cut it like that?)
Maybe you show me how (I'm built different, I don't work like that, huh)
I got to repeat, chew up, spit out
The blame complex in me, me, me
Oh God, I wish I could delete ya
'Cause nothin' can compete with ya
I'd replenish and repeat ya
One heart could beat for the two of us, two of us, two of us, oh-oh-oh
Oh, God, I wish I could release ya
Wind it back and never be with ya
Then I'd be happy just to meet ya (Oh my God)
One heart could bleed for the future us
If we were young, but this is done
Let down again
Let down again
Let down again
Waiting, waiting drives you crazy
Waiting drives you crazy
Endless repetition
Endless come and leaving
Do not come to heaven
Do not bother coming
Endlessly to heaven
Why not stay down
Let down and hanging around
Crushed like a bug in the ground
Let down and hanging around
I didn’t know the difference
Trying to find an inference
Wake up standing still
Wake up standing still
I kept all your memories
Served them by my tendencies
Please just keep me still
Oh won't you?
Please just keep me still
Da da da ah
(Oh) Da da da ah (ah)
Da da da ah
(Oh) Da da da ah (ah)
Da da da ah
(Oh) Da da da ah (ah)