diary entry 20/02/25
still trying to make sense of all these contradicting feelings
i can’t seem to discern if what i’m feeling is intuition, some psychic feeling, or if it’s just an illusion, a delusion that i’ve mistaken for some sort of inner knowing.
was it all just in my head?
i’m asking you for a clean break and yet here i am still writing about it, still thinking about it, still indulging in it.
i wanted to know if it’s something you keep close to your heart, a rare artefact that you just can’t bear to part with, or if it means nothing more to you than just an old trinket you keep in the storage simply because you can’t be bothered to discard it.
what does your gut say about this? what does your heart feel about this?
you mistake my anger for hatred, when really, i’m just hurt. and if it isn’t already obvious, these words they hold so much more longing and frustration than it ever does resentment. and god, do i wish i hate you. that will make this all so much easier to navigate.
especially after everything that you did.
cognitive dissonance works wonders when it comes to you. you got me split in two, never being able to reconcile how i feel about you versus what i know about you.
well i never really truly knew you anyway. though i do wonder if anyone else ever did knew you. was i the closest to knowing you? did you let me in further and deeper than you’ve ever done for anyone else?
did i even manage to touch your soul? peer into it? hold it? move it?
i wonder just how much she knows and if perhaps she’s seeing all the sides of you that i tried so hard to delve deeper into. or could it be that she’s never crossing all of those lines, never trying to pick at all of those locks that you’ve got, never needing to know and uncover more?
to be loved is to be known. i needed you to dive in deeper, to devour every little thing about me with fervent curiosity.
and you never could. or maybe you just didn’t want to.
in my dreams, you hunger and you ache for me. you devour me with curiosity and you are eager to see me, to know me, to unravel and understand me thoroughly.
to be loved is to be known, and yet it seems, you never wanted me to ever truly know you.
you prefer to stay elusive, keeping everything hidden and always staying so secretive. or could it be that you underestimated my penchant for the truth, and you hated how it’s so much harder for you to keep up the pretences and lies when you’re with me?
did you resent me for seeing right through you?
can i blame it all on the planets once more? the venus retrograde? the upcoming lunar eclipse? the innate human tendencies to lose ourselves in the could have beens and wonder just where it all went wrong?
i think about it more often than i’d like to admit – going back to that one city, fantasising about just what it’d be like to plant my roots there and not just sprinkle a few seeds, and i think of you still.
time, places and people that i wish to go back to.
why do i still feel its gravitational pull? could it be that that is where i’m truly meant to be? could it be that it is with you whom i should be with? and so what if that’s what could be and should be? when you’ve already made your choice and there’s no other way for me to be able to stay?
but goddamn it, if you had just asked, if you had just been honest, if you had just held onto me and fought for it, well… whatever, you didn’t.
so here i am grieving over what could have been, though if i’m being honest, i’m not even sure if there ever could have been anything.
after all, i never know what you’re truly thinking or feeling. and all of this might not even mean anything to you at all.
(don’t view this as an oath or a promise, but rather, a heartfelt confession filled with honesty and sincerity, which is a lot more than you’ve ever given me).
Just gonna say that you meant what you said
Over and over 'cause you did that
And didn't call back, ah-ah-ah
Just gonna say it was all in my head
Over and over 'cause I won't last
If I think you'll come back, ah-ah-ah
I might die
A little bit inside
If I see you tonight
So, don't come here
Maybe I'll be okay in the morning
Change my mind, I'll be fine without warning
Yeah, I'm alright, everything's fine, ah-ah-ah
Maybe it's not my fault and it's all yours
Maybe the reason why I'm like this is 'cause you're the worst
I'm alright, everything's fine, ah-ah-ah
Baby. I feel like I'm losing a bet
Over and over, and I'm so mad
I want it all back, ah-ah-ah
It's like you'll do this for the hell of it
Over and over, but it won't last
If you don't come back, ah-ah-ah
I might die
A little bit inside
If I see you tonight
So, don't come here
I might lie
And say that I'm alright
If I see you tonight
A magnetic feel
I recognize you
Created some space
Pull me towards you
Closer to the field
But I still pretend
Like I don’t know you
Keep changing your face
No time to be you
No time to create
I wonder, do you?
Do you feel the same?
Searching for mistakes
Letting them destroy you
Comes in waves without warning
That's why I'm lost and you're not here with me
Collect sadness and be free
That's why I'm lost and you're just fantasy
I wish you would stay
If I had to choose
I'll write down your name
'Cause I'll forgеt you
Do you feel the same?
I don't know what's real?
I don't know, arе you?
See, right now, I need you, I'll meet you somewhere now
You up now, I see you, I get you, take care now
Slow down, be cool, I miss you, come here now
It's yours now, keep it, I'll hold on until now
I need you right now, once I leave you I'm strung out
If I get you, I'm slowly breaking down
And, oh, it's hard to see you but I wish you were right here
Oh, it's hard to leave you when I get you everywhere
All this time I'm thinking we could never be a pair
Oh, no, I don't need you but I miss you, come here
And, oh, it's hard to see you but I wish you were right here
Oh, it's hard to leave you when I get you everywhere
All this time, I'm thinking I'm strong enough to sink it
Oh, no, I don't need you but I miss you, come here
He love me not, he loves me
He holds me tight then lets me go
He love me not, he loves me
He holds me tight then lets me go
Soon as you leave me, we always lose connection
It's gettin' messy, I think that your affection
Don't loosen your grip, got a hold on me
Now, forever, let's get back together
Lord, take it so far away
I pray that, God, we don't break
I want you to take me up and down
And 'round and 'round again
And, oh, it's hard to see you but I wish you were right here
Oh, it's hard to leave you when I get you everywhere
All this time I'm thinking we could never be a pair
Oh, no, I don't need you but I miss you, come here
And, oh, it's hard to see you but I wish you were right here
Oh, it's hard to leave you when I get you everywhere
All this time, I'm thinking I'm strong enough to sink it
Oh, no, I don't need you but I miss you, come here