comforting chaos or chaotic comfort?
now i can’t remember how i was like before it all
i’ve been doing so well, or so i thought i was, until i’m once against paralysed by this sinking pit in my chest. what am i supposed to do now when i have everything i wanted but it’s still not enough? does this mean that perhaps deep down all i’ve ever wanted was still just you?
tomorrow, i’ll be heading out for a date, and though i was excited about it at the start, as the hours inch closer, i’m starting to have doubts. truth be told, it’s been a while since i’ve said yes to a date and i still don’t feel truly ready for it yet. but i know that if i don’t even make the slightest effort to put myself out there again, i’d forever stay stuck on you, wishing for something that’s perhaps long gone.
i probably shouldn’t still feel this way, but i would have picked you over all else had you stayed by me. so here i am, ignoring all the other messages, yet keenly waiting on yours, isn’t it ironic dear?
i wish i wasn’t the way that i am, i never quite know where i stand, and sometimes it truly feels like this ache will know no end. i’ll be honest, i had hoped that perhaps you’d take some time off to be alone and self reflect, but i know that’s just wishful thinking on my end. if they wanted to, they would and all that.
times like these, i wish i could be more like you, just so i could replace you with another and another until all of their faces and names merge until it’s all just a blur, and i no longer remember what it was like to feel anything anymore. to never have to take anything seriously. to never dive into something with your entire being. to always stay so stoic and detached. to be content with having just anyone by your side, as long as you don’t go to bed alone.
now, don’t get mad, i know i’m not free from fault either; getting older and yet still falling into the same old patterns. but i guess that’s on me, always trying to find some sort of reason or salvation, always coming up with some excuses for you, still trying to see the light in you, still trying to light up the fuse. i want that excitement, i want that love that envelops me whole and takes over, like a whirlwind, a fire consuming. i just want to feel alive again, to have that little sparkle in my eyes, to feel like love could conquer it all. that i could do it all.
how different would it all be if you weren’t my favourite person? is the amplification of my feelings simply clouding my judgement? i can’t quite tell if you’re my comfort in all of the chaos, or if you’re the chaos that i crave in the uncomfortable emptiness. because at least being in the eye of the hurricane means you’d be embraced by something right?
truth is, you came into my life at a time where i needed it the most. and it still remains one of the most surreal first ‘date’ ever (who would have thought chatting over a computer screen could have you blushing and gushing?). when it felt like we were so far apart and yet seemingly so familiar. but maybe i’m overemphasising the space that i have in your heart and headspace, and i’m just someone you’ve once dated, a fleeting fling, an unlikely thing.
no surprise, you’re deeper into my system than i’d thought, coursing through my veins, something i just can’t get out, tainting me forever. now i can’t remember how i was like before you. and i’m urged to give up pieces of myself (and of us) that i love to try to be rid of you once and for all. but should that time finally comes, i don’t know if i’m able to. i don’t know if i’ll want to.
and i don’t know what that says about me.
The house still stands where it was built
I know 'cause I drove by tonight
A candle in the bedroom
Where I once performed a holy rite
And I did stop to hang my head
Just for a moment at the light
'Cause now the altar is dead
And now you're just a friend that once was mine
Oh civilian, I lay low
How can you understand that there's a whole world gone wrong?
Something massive happened here
Can you feel it in the atmosphere?
Something false that once was true
I no longer revolve around you
I no longer revolve around you
A moment to change it all
Had life before been so slow?
Urgency takes hold
But to live in fear isn't to live at all
So how can I make it okay?
I just want you to be happy
How can I make it okay?
I just want you to be happy
How can I make it okay?
Nothing else is as important as that to me
How can I make it okay?
Nothing else is as important as that to me
Oh
How do we sell you the world
Let it in, embrace and uncurl
So fit, so bold
Someone like you
Should not be left unsold
So how can I make it okay?
I just want you to be happy